Big Girl Panties

23/05/09

2009-05-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Grandma died five years ago. I saw my kindergarten teachers five years ago, at her funeral. They weren't much younger than her, and I realize that for some people five years is quiet a length of time. But not for me. I don't really feel time.

The thing is, five years could be just three months ago for me, and I wouldn't see the difference. Anything that happened long, long ago could be just yesterday, and it would feel the same. If I was changing--if my life was changing--time would feel more solid, more real. But I still wear my hair long, I still don't live alone, I still feel like a 15 year old sometimes, and I still don't have anyone.

I'm still me five years ago, only older.

It doesn't matter if anybody knows about me or reads what I write. I still have the feelings I had five years ago, and they're still holding me back from doing things I should've done already. When I was twelve, I wanted to wake up fifteen, all grown up and different. Same went for when I was fifteen. I wanted to be eighteen and free. But nothing changes. At least not enough for me to notice.

Maybe cause I'm still me, and I always expected to be someone better than I used to be, at least five years ago.

Under

2009-03-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

Under the water I can’t see no light.

Under the graveyard there is no delight.
Under the sky there’s no anything new.
Under the moon there’s no shine, there’s no you.

Over the water I live with no breath.
Over the sand I walk silent like death.
Over my heart there’s no flesh and no bones.
Over my heart there’s just dust and the stones.

Under the touch of your skin I could breathe,
Under the feel of your lips I could live.
Under your gaze, and that sigh you would heave…
Under the ghost of your presence I grieve.

... - Tuesday , 0:22

2009-02-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling kinda like an idiot right now.

Remember that song by Jet, "Look what you've done"? I wonder if it was written like a personal soundtrack for me, since it seems to be following my lifeline around a lot. Feels like I'm getting older, but no wiser, and everything always stays the same.

"The trouble with you is that you change and I don't" (my extremely weird thought of the day)

Ahh.... So that's what it meant.

I hate subconscious. It always leaves me feeling like an idiot later.

Tired - Monday, 23:50

2009-02-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

Home,
sulking

Wallowing in a sea of self pity, I realized that I'm starting to doubt the importance of having this whole "emotional attachment" thing in my life. Feeling confused all the time is bad enough--feeling whiney and girly is plain pathetic.

There's many things I hate in life, and being frequently vulnerable is one of them. Now it seems like I'm at the point where I want to kill all emotions that annoy me the most, considering how unhelpful they are to my moods. I get upset, and instantly feel like sulking and sleeping; I feel happy, and while I'm on the high of my excitement, I don't even realize that it doesn't change anything in my life, so there's actually nothing to be happy about. In the end, I just feel worn out, and that possibly is the only correct response to the emotional rollercoaster people call "attachment".

Heart of wax - Sunday

2009-02-01T06:13:00.000-08:00

I had a strange dream this morning.

I don't remember all the details, as it usually is with my dreams, but I remember that something went wrong with my heart. For some reason, it stopped working normally and lost half of its strength. I would stop breathing and it wouldn't beat. I would take a breath, and it would go again, stuttering.

So I was sitting there--hell knows where--holding a heart made of wax in my hands. One half of it was disfigured, and I felt that it was worthless. The other half was whole and rightly shaped, with some elaborate carvings on it. I took a knife and started cutting it in half, leaving the disfigured part to lay uselessly. I looked at the good half and tried to understand what I was supposed to do with it. I wanted to keep it--it seemed vital for me to keep it-- but at the same time it felt like it wasn't completely mine to keep. So I just stared at it, not sure of what to do.

And then I woke up.

Obligations - Saturday, night

2009-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

In my comfy bed

Ok, lets back up a day and remind ourselves of what happened yesterday...

I went to a Birthday party of a new family friend (let's call her Beauty Salon Girl), but couldn't force myself to sit through more than one hour, since I'm so antisocial and all. Also, we arrived together with my mom and had only one present, which was awkward (for me). When the night ended, I was a little upset with my childish behavior and wanted to do something that would make up for it.

Today...

Since I felt guilty for leaving the birthday party early yesterday, my mom and I ("I" is a relative term here, since I didn't pay for anything) went and bought a perfume for the BS Girl. When we made it to her workplace, gave her the present and all, we sat down together and had a small chat, which uncovered couple of interesting details about how the party actually continued and ended.

In some drunken fit of jealousy, BS Girl's husband--the sweetie sitting on my left at a party, swearing a lot--slapped her a few times across the face, which would obviously put any party to an end. As it turned out, she had the audacity to dance where the Spanish guys could ogle her, hence "deserved" a punishment. You gotta love marriage, really. You only need to make it official for a guy to start treating you like a thing. I hate to generalize, people, but I've seen it one too many times for the idea of "happily ever after" to start losing its appeal.

So, she spent the night at a friends' place instead of coming home--her home--and, of course, was distressed with how things turned out. Well, good news is that she might actually leave the jerk, which is something I would've done. I seriously don't get it when people stay together out of obligation. If it doesn't work, it doesn't. Why violate yourself and be with someone you don't even want, not to mention love?

And they keep saying "life is short" like they mean it...

Antisocial freak - Saturday, 0.10

2009-01-30T16:09:00.000-08:00

Home again
On the bed, with the cat crawling all over me.

Ok, well, that didn't work out.

I made it to my mom's friend's birthday. Even made myself stay for a while and chat with a few people "my age". Learned who does and who doesn't speak Spanish, who lives here for long and who doesn't, and, of course, that I don't look my age (omG, what is it with people and telling me how old I don't look?!). Then I spent about an hour sitting in my chair quietly, chewing on my food and attempting to look like I enjoy myself. Apparently that didn't fool anyone, considering how I've been asked repeatedly if I'm ready to go home already. Eventually I had (and wanted) to say "yes".

One awkward ride with my mom's other friend (and realter) later and I was already running to my apartment. I actually crossed the distance between the elevator and my front door in record time.

Don't ask me why, I just couldn't take it in there. I felt lonely, stupid, awkward, bored, etc.--anything but comfortable. When I'm forced to go to social events like that one (and it was the least social of all you can imagine), I feel like a goldfish thrown out of the water. I couldn't breathe in there, I didn't feel like myself.

So now I'm home, again. This feels comfortable, of course, but it's not a puppy dog happiness material either. I can feel content like this... But not happy, no. I think I'm making up my own problems here, but that's just how it is. I'll just go on and be whiney for a while, because I want to and, since nobody else is home, because I can.

Note to self:

Practice if not social, then acting skills at least.

Salon Girl's Birthday - Friday, evening

2009-01-30T09:14:00.000-08:00

Home
Painting my nails, doing my hair, blah

Tonight I'm going to my mom's friend's Birthday along with a bunch of other people--some I know, some I don't. Okay, I was actually invited too, but I feel a little like I'm being dragged along. Again. Either way, I'm going, so I'll attempt to look good, cheery and chatty. Well, at least good. Probably not cheery. Definitely not chatty.

I'll just go, ok?

Whatever - Thursday 2:15

2009-01-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

Home

I'm a confusing person. I confuse myself all the time, and while I'm at it, I try to confuse others, too. I wonder why it's like that. Sometimes it's really hard for me to sort things out or understand why I am stuck doing that when everyone else has already moved on.

I also think a lot. These days I've been thinking especially hard about things I'm better off not thinking, which sucks, and makes me feel weird. I wonder if it's just bad timing or I have some self-destruct trigger that makes me do something that would make things so much more complicated, for myself and others.

Or maybe I'm just a bitch, and I picked this time to rage only because deep inside I knew it would bring the worst possible outcome. Or maybe I don't want to know.

Black & White - Wednesday - 1:12

2009-01-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

I have two awesome news, you guys:

1. I might have my own apartment soon (yey!). This is pretty much all a girl my age could wish for.

and

2. I'm a selfish, lives ruining cold-hearted bitch that is better off somewhere in isolation on Uranus (accent on the last four letters).

Note to self:

Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things!

Frustration - Monday, 3:35

2009-01-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

Finally, home

I am frustrated.

Yes, yes I am. I am being constantly treated like a witless puppy and that is the cause of one of my many frustrations. Well, frankly I feel like a puppy most of the time, because ever since I moved to Canarias I became extremely sensitive and get my eyes wet at least several times a day. It is not only embarrassing, it's pretty inconvenient, too. Try applying a mascara like that.

Sometimes I wonder what makes us treat people so differently. We're all people, and yet some of us are ranked higher in social circles than others. I also wonder where do I rank, and where I stand on the social ladder. Come to think of that, I probably have no place there altogether. I must be one of those hippies who are stuck somewhere on the railing, trying to ride the ladder instead of walking it.

Maybe it's because I don't really have a place in this society, or maybe it just takes one look at me to realize that I live in some weird introvertial world cut off from all the rest for people to quit trying to make a conversation and call it a night early with me. I'm not sure, but either way, people must view me as someone not extremely useful, nor extremely interesting. Most of the time we just don't have common topics to discuss, so I'm not too eager in trying to support the existing ones.

So maybe it's my own fault that people treat me like I'm only half there. I've got to take some responsibility for that. But it doesn't make it easier though. They say if you created the problem it's in your power to make it go away. I wish I knew how. I also often wish I was different. More sociable and light, more interested in the outside world. Unfortunately, I'm not, and I might never change that part of who I am. It's frustrating and unhelpful to my current situation.

So I guess all I wanted to say is that I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated and at least 50% responsible for that. What can I say? Tough crap.

Fear - poem

2009-01-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

Coming back for what you've lost,
Fumbling with the iron locks.
Everything that you held dear
Slipped away with aching fear.

Nothing in this place makes sense,
Nothing holds up your defense.
And your only hope is fear
That she wouldn't hold you dear.

P.S. Oh. My. God. What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't even read poetry. Why the hell do I write it?..

Spanish for Dummies - La camisa negra

2009-01-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been trying to learn Spanish by memorizing translations of songs from Spanish to English. It sort of works, but now whenever I want to express myself in Spanish, everything I come up with goes along the lines of "Give me your heart", "Oh, my love, it hurts so much", and "I pluck daisy petals".

How handy that would be when it comes to paying bills...

Anyhoo.... My favorite song I've translated so far is La Camisa Negra by Juanes, for it has a very strong contrast between the music and the lyrics. I never would have thought that with its cheery, dancy music, it is actually a sad song.

La Camisa Negra

Tengo la camisa negra (I have a black shirt)
hoy mi amor esta de luto (Today my love is in mourning)

Hoy tengo en el alma una pena (Today I have a pain in my soul)
y es por culpa de tu embrujo (And it is because of your spell/witchcraft)

Hoy se que tu ya no me quieres (Today I know that you don’t love me)
y eso es lo que mas me hiere (And that’s what hurts me most)
que tengo la camisa negra (That’s why I have the black shirt)
y una pena que me duele (And a pain that hurts me)

mal parece que solo me quede (And even worse, it seems that I am left alone)
y fue pura todita tu mentira (And your lie was so pure)
que maldita mala suerte la mia (Damn luck for me)
que aquel dia te encontre (That day that you found me)

por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor (I drank from the malevolent poison that was your love)
yo quede moribundo y lleno de dolor (I remain a dying man and full of pain)
respire de ese humo amargo de tu adios (I breathe in that bitter smoke of your goodbye)
y desde que tu te fuiste yo solo, tengo… (And since you left me alone, I have)

tengo la camisa negra (I have the black shirt)
porque negra tengo el alma (Because my soul is just as black)
yo por ti perdi la calma (Today because of you I am restless)
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama (And I almost lost my bed) (meaning, home, shelter - everything)

cama cama come on baby
te digo con disimulo (I say to you with dissimulation)
que tengo la camisa negra (That I have the black shirt)
y debajo tengo el difunto (And underneath I have the deadman)

tengo la camisa negra (I have the black shirt)
ya tu amor no me interesa (Your love already does not interest me)
lo que ayer me supo a gloria (What was yesterday was glory)
hoy me sabe a pura (Today it knows pure…)

mier...coles por la tarde y tu que no llegas (Shit for in the evening you do not arrive)
ni siquiera muestras seсas (Not even small signs)
Y yo con la camisa negra (And I’m with the black shirt)
y tus maletas en la puerta (And your suitcases in the door)

Mal parece que solo me quede (And even worse, it seems that I am left alone)
y fue pura todita tu mentira (And your lie was so pure)
que maldita mala suerte la mia (Damn luck for me)
que aquel dia te encontre (That day that you found me)

Tengo, tengo la camisa negra (I have the black shirt)
porque negra tengo el alma (Because my soul is just as black)
yo por ti perdi la calma (Today because of you I am restless)
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama (And I almost lost my bed)

cama cama come on baby
te digo con disimulo (I say to you with dissimulation)
que tengo la camisa negra (That I have the black shirt)
y debajo tengo el difunto (And underneath I have the deadman)

*Note: The lines: "lo que ayer me supo a gloria (What was yesterday was glory)
hoy me sabe a pura (Today it knows pure…)
miйrcoles por la tarde y tъ que no llegas (Shit for in the evening you do not arrive)" are a play on words. Miercoles means Wednesday but the way Juanes sings it, he pauses after "mier-" for the listener to think that he’s going to say mierda (shit). He’s trying to convey the message that yesterday was glory and today is shit. It’s a play on words as is seen in English music.

In a dark place - Monday

2009-01-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

Today I did nothing. Period. It sucked. I don't even feel like retyping what I wrote in my journal (hey, I got myself a journal), so I'll just post a shot I made of it.

R.I.P., Bobsky - Later that Sunday

2009-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

My apartment
Bathroom
21:27

Ok, that did it. I think this time I killed Bobsky.

Weapon deadly delicate - Sunday

2009-01-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

Still Canarias

In a beauty salon Sun Forever, 15:32

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Ever since I moved to Canarias I don't have anything to do my nails with. That has something to do with the fact that I can't go shopping and actually remember to get what I needed to get. So now my nails are so long I can literally slaughter people with them. Which is nifty, I guess, but hardly practical, considering how I can accidentally slit my own throat in my sleep.

17:10

Ok, I have French manicure on my nails now, and unfortunate bypassers can't receive any traumas or lose an eye if I get too animated and start gesticulating a lot. World is saved. Yey.

I don't drink... But in some countries I can! - Friday

2009-01-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

On the way back from the bank

Today is the day of disappointments and sad discoveries.

I found out that pretty much everyone I came in contact with in the past couple of weeks thought I must be no more than 15 years old. Awesome revelation. It was especially humiliating when the bank lady who was opening an account for me--holding my passport in her own bloody hands--thought it safer to ask (just in case the passport people were drunk setting the birth date) if I am actually 20 years old. Like, if I didn't by any chance took the passport of an older sis to play with or something. Apparently, I'm an average looking pimply teenager. Great. Who would've guessed? I might be one of those Chihuahau people though. No matter how old you are, they still think of you as a puppy.

How, how can one keep her face and dignity, and walk through life with her head held high, when all the people around her think she's a freaking 15 year old?! How? How?!! *stomps*

I wish they were just drunks and not philosophers, too

2009-01-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

Congratulate me, world. I've just discovered that all men are bossy and possessive differently sized meaner copies of Ricky Ricardo, and with all their brains they really manage to be extra dumb when it comes to personal issues. Apparently, the invention of the wheel took the most of their creativity, leaving nothing to the right side of the brain to play with.

If someone's built a wall between men and women (which some seem to have between right and left sides of their brain, too), hardly they were us girls, considering how we actually manage to be bendier when it comes to "I right, you wrong" (a.k.a I rule, you drool... and are a slut anyway) topics of the conflicts.

I mean, who cares who's right if it doesn't make anyone happier in the end anyway?

In the Dorothy's little house -Thursday 12:34

2009-01-15T04:22:00.000-08:00

Tenerife
My apartment
Huddled in my bed

Wow. Who knew storms could happen when the sky is crystal clear? The wind is so hard here that the windows shake inside the house like crazy, and the ocean is raging outside. I can literally see it from here.

No, seriously, shouldn't it be sunny, peaceful and warm here? I think I want a refund.

9th day here. Still no swimming. *siiiigh*

Bobsky - Wednesday Morning-ish. (2:13)

2009-01-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

Canary Islands
My apartment, bathroom

I met another cockroach tonight, about 3 mins ago. Couldn't kill this one (a case of puppy-dog eyes), so I'm just gonna call him Bobsky and start feeding him my cat's food. Like any other normal girl kind to animals would do.

Brrr! - Thursday

2009-01-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

Location: Still Tenerife

Today I made my way to the swimming pool again, to "sunbathe". I lay on the grass for almost an hour, listening to Sarah Mclachlan and Tori Amos, and, oh, freezing like hell. (No, Canary Islands are not "hot" at this time of the year.) Not to mention I wore a swimming suit that squashed my boobs so hard it could make a Small Breasts ad. Which nobody would pay me for. :(

*sigh* 7th day here. Still no swimming.

Note to self:

Start buying swimming suits instead of
borrowing them from my mo...*cough*
other people.

Moving - Monday, time unknown

2009-01-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

Tenerife

It’s been, like, a week since I’m here and I’m still in a strange state of not realizing the awesomeness of the change. I haven’t been to the beach yet, but I spent about an hour and a half sunbathing near the pool. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count, too. I’m still pale and haven’t enjoyed the freedom of swimming in the raging (or any) ocean. I wish I would just go and do something crazy cool and adventurous. Something besides facing–and, my god, defeating–a cockroach in my apartment. Not that it wasn’t cool.

Spanish language is still a mystery to me, same as what they’re saying on the TV channels here. Gonna be learning the language by rereading the Twilight and Southern Vampires series, this time in Spanish.

Fools' September - poem

2008-12-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

Every promise you can't keep,
A drop of blood on thy full lip.
Every moment of desire
Is the most you'll taste of fire.
And a lie that sure would slip
Is the same on which you'll trip.

Believe it or not, that is actually a poem about love.
It's not jolly, but then again, sometimes love isn't either.
At some point the meaning behind "fools in love" is just
that people are fools, and their love is no longer love.
It doesn't last forever.

Fools' September is what I wanted to call that time when
your love slips through your fingers, taking the warmth
that's been keeping your feelings alive with it.

My Blogger layouts

2008-12-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

I just came back from Finland, and as as soon as I got home I submitted my Blogger designs to Luxury Designz.

They're all made for the same series, so don't be surprised that they're very alikish style-wise.

Behold!

Storm Blog Series

Storm Blog Series - Twilight

Small Recap

2008-11-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed, I've been away these past couple of months. I haven't written much, but then I again I just didn't feel inspired to. Although I've started a fiction story. Haven't told you about that, have I? Damn, I really should start posting more news in here.

Anyway, I've started a fiction blog called Clairvoyance. So far I've written only a couple of semi-coherent chapters, but I'm working on adding more of them, developing a storyline and improving my writing style. So far it's probably far from perfect and still in Beta version, but I've never really written anything before (fictionwise), so for me this is a test of my writing abilities and a way to see into my imagination.

Also, I finally finished the blog look for Clairvoyance. I'm pretty sure its design pwns and I'm even thinking of simplifying BGP's look. On my new pc (btw, I got myself a new pc!) it looks kinda too space taking and flashy.

So, stay sharp people. This place might change at any moment.

Peace.

Crushing hard?

2008-10-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

I thought it was impossible not to tell when someone is in love with you. I've witnessed a few one-sided crushes that I'd caused, but as a rule, I've always been aware of them, and thought that's how it generally works. Now I feel pretty much like an idiot about it, since, apparently, nothing's further from the truth.

Just how on Earth would a girl get a clue that someone has a crush on her when there are no love vibes, no goofy smiles, tortured sighs or heated glances?

I mean, come on! This is actually hard, especially for someone unaware. And when it eventually comes down to a (probably logical) emotional blow up, it's the crush who ends up hurting someone and being the bad guy.

That's why one-sided crushes suck. You can like someone, even love someone, but if it's not in the way that makes you want to jump their bones and spend the rest of your life with them, it's going to end bad.

Crappy moods - useless posts

2008-10-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys.

Sup?...

Yeah, ok, this post is pretty much as pointless as the previous one, but I'm actually working on getting some of my creativity back and starting to make 'real' posts again.

I was in the worst mood ever these days, and now I seem to be getting back on the horse. (Easy, Spirit!) So if my meditations and vitamin juice help, I will be posting again soon.

Wish me luck and all that.

L.A.

Grey's Anatomy Izzie & Danny fan vid

2008-10-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

This is a Grey's Anatomy (Danny and Izzie) fan video.

That's actually the only thing that made me watch the series. It was a major spoiler, but it got me really curious about what the hell had happened in there.

Song by Lamb - Gabriel.

So much to do...

2008-10-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, I was really prepared for hitting it off and starting to write like I'm on those crazy Energizer bunny batteries, but, so far, the only thing that doesn't need a recharge is my... ahem, back massager.

I really want to try myself in writing, and I even have a couple of articles in a semi-finished state, but I just can't get myself to finish them. Like my bum-bum needs a good kick in the creative direction or something.

I was also busy these few days with the forum building and designing. Of course it is, too, in the state of the undone. I also need to learn Spanish really quick (long story) and simultaneously try to go through those memory improvement courses I've been trying to sort of take.

Yeah... Busy, busy bee me.

Come to think of it, it's not all that bad. All I have to do is: reawaken my inner writer and finish up my articles; get done and over with the forum building; learn Spanish in a week (hey, the CD said I can do it!), and continue posting in my blog regularly.

Peace of cake, huh?

3:40 In the morning - Dinner

2008-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Not that I think anybody with a life cares, but I've just eaten a whole huge bowl of pasta. And by "just" I mean 3.40 in the morning.

God, I'm a freak. Gonna be as big as a house if I continue like that.

Here we go again...

2008-09-26T05:11:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling that, unlike my other blogs, this one looks exactly like a bubble gum wrapper. At the first sight appealing, but in the end you just want to rip it off to get to the contents.

Damn, I'm so tired of constantly changing my blog's appearance.

Anyway, I'm thinking of simplifying it a little. I'll probably keep the purplish-black-n-white (that was awkward to write) look, but maybe get rid of some unnecessary images.

... And that was probably the tenth post about my blog's design. Just imagine that you care.

Dancing on the Cityscapes (Glog)

2008-09-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided to make my first Glog on this video.

Ta-da!

Glogster experience

2008-09-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Following the advice of my "experienced" blogging buddy, who blogs for a little more than a week and has ten solid Bambi-does-ice skating posts, I try to blog every day, to "keep my audience interested".

Today's post I want to dedicate to Glogging.

No, not blogging, and not vlogging either. Glogging.

*smug, I-know-more-words-than-you-do face*

Glogster is a new 'cool thing' I've discovered online by checking out some Google ads. Got to say it's a perfect way of self-expression for the ditzy (when they're not broken-hearted) teenagers, and me, with too much time on my hands to feel comfortable about it.

You know what I like about Glogs? You can create a glog and make it look exactly like a page torn out of a fashion magazine and add pretty much anything to it, be it a text or a video.

I've also decided that, since I write so much anyway for no special reason, I might as well try myself in actual writing. In other words, I'm thinking of making it a profession, although I'm not completely sure what it should consist of, besides me - wearing glasses and looking smart - writing down good thoughts.

So, before I get to the looking smart part, I'm thinking of writing some 'test' articles and submitting them to different websites. If I consider them good enough, I might as well laminate them, so to speak, by Glogging them into the Geekdom's Wall of Fame also known as "internet".

Nolife, huh?

GQ VS Cosmo?..

2008-09-21T17:08:00.002-07:00

I've just discovered the beauty of reading men's magazines. Shoes, fashion, makeup, clothes... They're not there!

I know, I know... Many women actually enjoy reading about these things, but for the rest of us it's a good way to kill both the could-be-a-quality time and the weak, wishing on a falling star brain cells.

God bless the millions (billions?) of you who are actually capable of enjoying a good chick read, I still get bored to tears on the 3rd paragraph of a "Should I Cut My Hair Short?" quiz. No, I should not. End of the story.

You know what recently excited my young, info-starving mind? GQ! I don't know what did it for me, the amount of non-girl orientated articles or a manly "Grr" photo on every second page, but nonetheless, it got me hooked in no time. Yep. Read it for the first time yesterday; never wanna see Cosmo again.

Ok, that last one just made me feel like a traitor to all womankind, but hey, they say even Brutus had his reasons.

Australian Tourism (not really)

2008-09-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

10-13 Years into the past

2008-09-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my childhood, trying to understand or at least remember if I was happy back then. I mean, don't get me wrong, sometimes I was jolly enough, but I was a weak child, and shy enough not to flash around with my shining personality. Sometimes I had more things than other children did, sometimes less; sometimes I was pretty careless about life, sometimes I was sure the worst case scenario is the only way to go.

I don't like thinking about my childhood years though. I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because I was afraid of lots of things back then, or maybe it's because, when I was little, I was often punished in the now rejected by the modern American society ways. But either way, many things from my early childhood I would rather forget altogether, even if they didn't consist of anything traumatizing. It's just, with the way I think and feel right now, it seems like that person I used to be as a kid was never a part of me.

If I ever did that time travel thing and was standing in front of the me 10-13 years ago, I'm afraid I wouldn't feel the pull to come up to that girl and hug her good for all the years she spent and would spend with no one to confide in or talk to. I think I would just walk away. Not because of the girl not being lovable, but because of knowing too many things that would and would not happen to her.

I know that I wouldn't be able see her clearly because of the bundle of emotions I associate with her, but I can see myself clear enough to understand how very rough around the edges I turned out to be. So, I guess, I wouldn't want to go back to that time or to that girl, even if it was to comfort. If you can't change what happened, why going back into the past?

Maybe I wasn't all that happy as a child after all, but things get better, and they sort of did. Thankfully, people change, and even though the past is not something we can fix, we are still able to move on and evolve as human beings. And if it wasn't for my melancholic state, I think I wouldn't have even gone back these 10-13 years into the past at all and made this post.

Numbers and Misconceptions

2008-09-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest misconceptions I've ever heard about women (and people in general), is a quote I once found in an Indian book I was browsing through while shopping at some tiny book store. I'm not sure whom that quote belonged to, but I've always had it clinging to my memory, somewhere in the back of my mind. I guess I wasn't able to get it out of my head completely.

Roughly translated, the quote stated, "You need to love a woman, not understand her".

That's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever read or heard in my life, and not even because it was referred to the women. It seems like many people don't realize how important it is to have someone in the world who'd understand the simple truth that there is more to you than meets the eye.

If you think about it - if you really, really think about it - we live in the world of strangers. There are more than 6 billion people in the world. Most of them, of course, you'll never meet. Some of them you'll meet, but wouldn't really know. Some you will know, but wouldn't like. Some you're going to like and maybe even love. And, finally, if you're very, very lucky, you're going to meet at least one person you will love more than all other 6 billion people you live on the same planet with.

So, what my point is...

When you live in the world full of strangers, on the planet inhibited by billions of people who will never know who you are, in the Universe where maybe only God knows that there is such a galaxy with such a planet you call home - you need to have at least one person in the world who would see you as you are and understand what you're all about without wishing you were somebody else. And if that person it not someone who loves you, then... What's the point?

Little PWNy

2008-09-16T14:07:00.001-07:00

God, I want to PWN someone so badly!

My PWNvice blog is pretty visitless and unpromoted these days, and I just long to give someone a good pwnage. I know, it might seem a little childish to some of you, but trust me when I say it: giving someone a good pwnage is like a second birth to a simple girl like me.

Hey, we all have needs. Actually, I'm starting to think I'm trying to replace my need for sex (hormones bitch at me these days) with trying to "own" someone in a convo. Huh... That can't be good.

Happy Birthday, Dusty

2008-09-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

It's Dusty's Birthday! Yey! Go Dusty!

Erm, ok, I know this is quite a lame Happy Birthday present, and I was actually planning on making a Happy Birthday video instead, but today I was just physically unable to do it, so all I can give at the moment is a blog post.

So, what I want to say is...

@Dusty

Happy Birthday! I wish you all the best today and I hope you're going to have a great year. At least I'm pretty sure you can have it if you're going to start on a right page. I really wish you well and I believe you can make it great because you're a very smart and cool guy.

So just... Happy Birthday, Dusty!

Wake up and smell the...

2008-09-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

Last night I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep. As always, I'd gone to bed way too late so I was feeling like passing out when my head hit the pillow. When I was almost halfway into the dream land, I've heard my mom's dog make choking noises somewhere in the room. Sine she's having heart problems, I'm living in that weird state of suspicious fear that she might kick it anytime.

So, when I heard her make that strangled huff-n-puff noise and then go completely quite, I jumped up in my bed pretty sure her heart had stopped and that it was her last choked breath I heard.

Turned out she just pooped. Er...

Apple sucks?

2008-09-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

I am in a real need of a laptop. Seriously, that crap of a desktop is going to kill my lookers. And I love my lookers. When I asked my friend if I should get myself a cheap Apple laptop or does it suck too much, what I got as a response was:

Apple Sucks

@Apple

Well, guys, at least you make 'em pretty.

Anger Letter: What goes around...

2008-09-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

A short while ago my mom's dog was diagnosed with some incurable heart disease. She's ten years old now and real tiny, so they can't perform a surgery on her, which is really bad. When I've decided to share my personal woes and griefs with a friend of mine, telling him my dog will probably die soon (hopefully not too soon), he replied with a sweet, joking "Cool. At least it'll get rid of its stupid name." (Her name is Chicken. Big deal.)

Oh my God, social reject much?!

I know you're reading this right now, buddy, and I've gotta tell you that what you said to me was very dork even for you. And you invented dork! What were you, raised by wolves or something? Wait, no... Then you'd actually feel sorry for my poor baby animal.

By the way, what goes around, comes around, so don't expect people to understand you every time you need them to if you don't try to understand them and how they feel. And, omg, that just came out so chastising, I instantly feel cooler about my "old" wise self.

True Blood - Watched the pilot!

2008-09-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yey! I finally watched my first episode of True Blood, a TV series based on Southern Vampire novels. What can I say about the show? Well, it was, erm... It was a little different from what I expected it to be. I expected a lot less (go HBO!) sex scenes and a slightly better acting on some of the actors' parts. It still got me hooked though.

First I thought the show would be a mild PG-13 or something, but it turned out to be a full hardcore don't-watch-it-with-your-grandma NC-17. I'm afraid I can't say that my idea of vampire sex magically bloomed into something beautiful with the help of this series. More like it got crept out of it's skin and crawled pitifully into the corner. But hey, I used to watch Nip/Tuck and Rome, so I'm pretty sure I can handle some hardcore vampire sexiness.

The star actress of the show Anna Paquin playing Sookie Stackhouse is... Well, she doesn't exactly have "it" to play this role with confidence. I can't help it, she just isn't right. I always pictured Sookie Stackhouse being naturally blonde, blue eyed, busty and gorgeous. (Hey, it's how the books describe her.) Plus, I always imagined her having a much better sounding southern accent.

Anna Paquin is a nice teen-looking girl that was great in X-men, but she just isn't right for the role of a telepathic barmaid Sookie from S.V. series. Also, with the way she acts, she makes her heroine look kind of slow, when in the books she's pretty smart. How did that happen, I wonder?..

Stephen Moyer playing Bill Campton is both good and bad for the role. The bad is that he doesn't really look like Bill Campton from the book series at all (dark hair excluded) and in the half of his scenes he looks exactly like the kind of creep your momma warned you about when you were little.

The good is that if you smack him around a little and ruffle his hair in the right way until he looks a little more "mucho", he sort of looks like the other kind of creep your momma warned you about for completely different reasons, and when you were older, too.

Eric Northman who is my favorite character in the entire Southern Vampire series is played by Alexander Skarsgård. He is good looking enough, although I haven't seen him in action yet and he might be a little too young to play Eric. I always kind of imagined him to be a little more Josh Holloway, but oh well. You can't have everything, can you?

Ryan Kwanten as Jason, with his looks and his acting, is pretty much exactly what I expected him to be. Rutina Wesley's role, on the other hand, was completely butchered to the point where there's nothing left of the character at all.

Now about some other things. I am happy to announce that the Opening Credits song and the Intro itself pretty much rock. I love the lyrics, but the song reminds me of Idlewild Blue by Outkast a lot, which is not a bad thing, if you think about it.

The scenery of True Blood is exactly as I imagined it in the books! That was a big "phew!"for me, because at least now I know that my imagination is set right. Merlotte's bar looks absolutely as I pictured it.

So, to end this post, I have to say I'm not sure what to think of T.B. series yet, but I know now that watching it before sleep could give you nightmares with a Southern drawl. That could leave a girl feeling confused, trust me.

Still, I only watched the pilot so far, so I hope they'll make some improvements in the characters and continue supplying us with True Blood on HBO. I'm looking forward to seeing how the series will unfold and if they'll stray from the original story or not.

Performance improvement

2008-09-12T03:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do about my YouTube. I mean, I really feel that I look like a dork there. And the more time passes, the more I feel it. I need some serious directing skills and acting performance improvement, and quick.

And a new, good camera would be great, too. Life just isn't getting any easier... *sigh*

True Blood players

2008-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Since they've just released True Blood on HBO, I've decided to add several True Blood players for Playlist.com designs.

They're pretty simple designs of promo pics, but I thought since Vampire Theme is pretty popular nowadays, I might as well make a few designs for the fans of all vampriric.

To check the player designs go to Luxury Designz - True Blood.

True Blood is out!

2008-09-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

OMG, True Blood is out! I need to watch it as soon as possible! In case some of you are wondering what the hell is that and why I want to watch it so bad, I'll explain.

True Blood is a new novel based series. The Southern Vampire series was written by Charlaine Harris and, as far as I can judge, is an awesome read. There's been 7 books released and the last one left me desperately wanting for more. Unfortunately, the books are coming out not more often than once a year, but, lucky for me, they've decided to make a TV series based on that vampire story and call it True Blood.

I can't say I love the actress choice for the main character, but I'm still kinda curious about the TV show itself. Because the books are good. I only hope they don't screw up with the rest of the actors. I expect major hottiness on the male front, so I'm staying sharp for my first viewing.

Peace.

If the world was going to end...

2008-09-09T17:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder, if I'd rather sleep than stay awake during the most part of the day, does it mean I'm in a kind of depression?

This entire day actually seemed so crappy and I was in such a bad mood that I've decided to go to bed and just sleep through it. And I did. When I woke up it was past 21:00 and now it is 4:30. In other words, I wasted this day completely and now I feel like crap.

And what the funny thing is, I stumbled on one forum post called End of the world tomorrow? with an article in it, which really got me thinking. I mean, if the world was going to end tomorrow (practically today, actually), it would mean I'd wasted my last day on sleep.

If I'd known better, I would've tried to get laid, at least. And maybe danced naked somewhere. Could've even combined those two...

Blog's layout

2008-09-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help myself. I changed this blog's layout again. The good news is that the top, the background, and the posts look ok. The bad news is that the sidebar kind of looks like crap. I have no idea why.

No freaking name for this post

2008-09-07T19:06:00.001-07:00

This is real sucky. It's my second post today, and I'm starting to get the feeling I'm writing in a blog because I have no one to talk to.

Damn. It does ring true.

Obama won't get elected?

2008-09-07T13:54:00.001-07:00

My friend from U.S. just told me that he wouldn't pick Obama as a president because of his skin color. Well, not just because of the skin color, but that was one of the reasons for not voting for him. Well that was a shocker. And I thought America was open minded enough in the racial aspects these days. As it turned out, not so much.

Still it shocks me a little that a lot of people in U.S. wouldn't pick Obama just because he's black. Political views aside, not choosing a president 'cause of his looks gives me both giggles and tiny little shocks of sadness.

Why not dress them up as well and make them model walk their way up to the mic every time they have to perform onstage? Then that would be a real Prom Queen contest.

I kissed a girl (Moulin Rouge style)

2008-09-07T04:58:00.000-07:00

Finally finished editing another Art Video. Enjoy.

The toughety of YouTubing

2008-09-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

OMG, YouTubing is so distressful! Good comment, bad comment; high rating, low rating.

Sheesh, roller coaster much?

Luxury Designz - my new blog

2008-08-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you who wonder why I have three blogs and rarely post in either one of them, I've decided to answer here, right now. It's because I was making another blog!

Yeah, baby, I know whatcha thinking:

"Now she's gonna stop posting altogether!"

Well, that's completely untrue. I am perfectly capable of hosting three... uh, four blogs at the same time and actually updating them. Sometimes. I just feel more encouraged to do that when I have more of you, real living visitors to do it for.

So now I want to enlighten you and explain what the new blog is about. Are you ready? It's dedicated to mah amazing skillz of web design! Not that I designed an actual website yet... But I have lots of player designs and I plan on making some Blogger templates for the good people of the world to use, so there's a hope that blog is actually going to be useful. I'm pretty sure.

Er... right. Well, here's the link:

Luxury Designz

This give me lolliez

2008-08-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

Try listening to the song below while looking at this girl dancing. ROFL.

My first Art Video

2008-08-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dancing on the Cityscapes

My nonexistant Photoshop designs

2008-08-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am becoming increasingly (is that a word?) annoyed tonight.

I've decided to try myself in web design, which IS fun, but the fact that I have to know all how-tos about Photoshop website editing kinda drives me into a state of deep frustration.

I don't need designer's tips, but the ones on using slices. Identifying how big every image slice should be by pressing a spa card to the monitor to check if the image in question is "probably an inch or two" bigger than my original image should be is a little too blonde even for me.

My other blogs

2008-08-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I not only created a brand new look for this blog, I also made other two blogs to go with it. I deleted all Advice Column posts from this blog and moved them to my Advice Girl blog.

I also made a PWNvice blog with joke advice, although it's mostly for my own entertainment. It's kinda scary that I have more blogs to maintain now, but I like all three of 'em, so why the hell not?

New Look

2008-08-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

All right, guys, behold! My new template!

If you're visiting this blog for the first time you probably aren't experiencing any sense of awe or amazement, but trust me, this is a tear shedding moment. It is because a) I got sick and tired of my old layout (which I'm sure I'm gonna miss) and b) because I made this one all on my own. Almost.

Sigh. Actually I redesigned some already existing template, but this is really all new look for it. By the way, I've gone almost blind making it. There's been many, many hours spent in front of the screen, my friends...

Extreme Makeover for this place

2008-08-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

I suddenly stopped feeling any sort of attachment to this blog. I dunno why... I even had a slight desire to get rid of it, but then I thought it would be a mistake.

I don't know what I want to do with it yet, but I'm guessing there might be an extreme makeover. Design needs changing for sure. I suddenly overgrown it.

Well, at least I'm making you aware of the changes, guys. This place has to change.

.

My Design

2008-08-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

I've just checked Richelle Mead's blog and envied it for an umpteenth time. I'm always jealous of other bloggers' designs, and always miss mine when I change it.

So I'm wondering... Is my blog a lil' too pink?

Damsel in Distress much?

2008-08-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

So today I went to that (sort of a) Sports Club to try that new weird vacuum stepper (it's like a vacuum shell with a stepper inside). Everybody was saying that this stuff is super-effective for weight loss and leg strength, so I thought "Eh, why not try it?"

Well, I managed to cheerfully work it for all of 6 minutes. Then I practically passed out. No, really. My vision started swimming, people seemed to sound from far away, etc.

Oh, you should've seen it... The panic, the shouts, the "how do you feel?"s. Heartwarming, really. It would've actually been fun if I weren't contemplating what would be less distressing: passing out or throwing up. But no fear! It was actually neither! Well, I DID almost pass out, but managed to hold back.

"Who gets a cookies?! You do!"

Anyway, it turned that either the Vacuum Thing is not for me or that I have some health issues. Probably gonna have to check in with the doc now. Which reminds me of how much I hate doctors... Don't you hate doctors? I mean, it's unreasonable and all, but they just can creep the world out of me. Especially when they look bored by your mere presence.

Yeah okay that was off-topic. Well... whatever.

Btw, I didn't die

2008-08-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

I should totally start updating this blog more often. I mean, seriously, I've let this place get dusty. Although I've actually been sorta busy with my YouTube channel... That's probably why I have, like, three videos made in two months. Yup. I'm just that outgoing. Add creative to it, too.

Anyway, I will try to be more active in the blogging area. All for my devoted fans. (Don't deny it! I know 'bout the existence of at least three of you.)

P.S. You know what I didn't know? That this avatar has animated letters popping outta nowhere...

My YouTube Thing

2008-07-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Congratulate me! I've just uploaded my first video on YouTube. Finally! It only took me forever to make and upload it, but it was totally worth it. It seemed harder and harder to reach people with a tiny little blog, so not a lot of people asked me for advice these days. Because of that I've decided to start a vlog and open a video version of my advice column.

You could either write to me using the question form I have on this blog, or by making your own video with a question you want to ask me. For that you could simply respond to my first video or notify me with a message. However you choose. Whatever. I'm too high on my joy anyway to actually care at this moment.

.

Karmic Points and I (part 2) - Going into minus

2008-07-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I'm gonna have to take away about 10 of 'em. Karmic points, I mean. (What a stupid name I picked?)

Today, I managed to offend a person without even realizing that. And here I thought I had a sense of tact. As it turned out... not so much. Not only don't I have it, the cute witticism of mine apparently ran out, too, because this time it kind of failed at saving me with smoothing things down as it usually did.

Tactless and witless... Great. At least if I can't sink any lower, my way can only be up, right?..

Weezer - Pork and Beans

Karmic Points and I

2008-06-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided that from now on, if I help someone, I'm gonna count it as a + Karmic Point added to me. Which is fun, too. I've decided that if I have, say, five karmic points, I can make a wish. Like, I could wish for... for a moment of enlightenment! Or a really strong inspiration. Or bigger boobs!

Yes, I'd be damned if by Christmas I don't have a true honest-to-God enlightenment! Or magical breasts.

Amen.

P.S. "I'd be damned" thing was an exaggeration.

The Quest - by Bryn Christopher

Too much TV and killed creative brain cells

2008-06-23T06:59:00.001-07:00

Well, hell.

What I just realized is, now that I actually have someone reading me, I have nothing to write about. Timely, huh? These few days I've been busy trying to make a video or two for YouTube, but since my computer is crashing, my camera isn't currently working, and I have no privacy... Well, let's just say, everything is in the state of delayed, which at the moment is synonymous to screwed.

I could swear that just a week ago I was more self-confident. Hmm.... Probably shouldn't have watched so much TV. 'Cause, you know, it kills the good part of the brain, and that part I liked, actually, and gonna miss dearly.

My protective-adoptive side

2008-06-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

I’ve discovered that when people confide and trust in me I get that protective-adoptive feeling as if I’m responsible for them. A lot. I know I can’t really change people’s lives (only they can do that), but I feel that, when they trust me to help them with their problems, I must do something to make it better.

I guess I just think that everyone from time to time needs someone who would believe in them, even if only to give them some inspiration. I found that the less inspired you are, the harder it is to find your way out of any problematic situation. Which… erm, sucks.

.

Le Bal 1 (Roméo & Juliette)

2008-06-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

Of all the soundtracks on all languages, I believe that French version of Romeo & Juliet musical is the best, or, at least, the better sounding one. Unfortunately, I haven't seen the whole musical in French, but only the parts with the singing in them, but they still definitely are worth watching.

I'm back

2008-06-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... I haven't posted in a while. But I've been a busy (with me, for "busy" read "lazy" 50% of the time) bee these days. Actually, I moved into another place, so it wasn't all laziness with me.

So, now my apartment is totally not as crappy as it was. (Yay!) Now I have a cable, a big chunk of sun peeping through my windows, and a wifi available 24/7 . I've gotta say, things are looking up.

.

Pas de Deux

2008-06-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've decided to add an art section to my blog, so I could stuff there cool inspiring things like this video.

There's a reason why mornings suck if they start at 8 PM

2008-05-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

Then.

I got up at 8 PM. No, I didn't't mistype anything. I went to bed at about 10 AM, and hence got up at 8 PM. Freakshow, huh?

I dragged myself into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, etc., and then it occurred to me that it's time to have "breakfast". Jolly as I was, I thought I can manage just fine on my own with such a simple task.

Now.

My potato's burned and my food sucks. My head hurts, thanks to my new head bump. The food pieces are lying on the floor and the floor itself is dirty.

The lessons of the day as it begun:

1. Don't EVER try to light a stove with a toilet paper piece in an attempt to avoid getting your nails burned (it'll happen anyway) with a flicker. As it turns out, toilet paper burns down faster than a stove can catch the fire.

2. Kitchen is a dangerous place to be in in a half-awake state. Always look around for the objects you could bump your head on while on that territory.

3. Don't ever leave the object of your cooking alone for more than 2 minutes!

4. While cooking, using oil or butter on your food is welcomed. Not using it might result in an awful burnt taste.

5. Cold, just-outta-fridge cans of cat food could come in handy for treating your head bumps. Cats, on the other hand, seeing before mentioned cans could get too excited and, in a friendly attempt to "earn" the goodies, start rubbing on your feet until the point where you get too distracted to notice that you've been dropping food bits from your plate onto the goddamn floor.

6. Picking up the food you've dropped instead of leaving it lie there is also welcomed, for the slipping on it would be an unpleasant experience.

7. The final and the most important lesson of the day is that... *sigh*
I will never be normal.

Ocean's Twelve - Kickass Laser Dance

2008-05-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is a one great moment from Ocean's Twelve.

Anybody knows the music's name or its composer? Kinda sounds like Alech Taadi by Cheb Khaled. I swear, it's very 5th Element.

Different

2008-05-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

I feel strange. Different. Yesterday I felt bad, sad, unhappy, and tonight, it's all just... different, as I already mentioned. Nothing happened, nothing changed, except for the fact that I suddenly feel like some strange peace came over me. I feel... like I have something to love.

Hmm... Maybe I do.

Hard to say what triggered it, but my point of view is not the same as it was yesterday. My life is still mine, but the look at it is someone else's. Only that someone else is closer to who I really am than to... well, to who I'm not, anymore.

Okay, the last one sounded a lil' bit strange even for me, but, hey, it's how I feel. I just have to say that it's great to feel something after feeling numb for so long. It's like having a meltdown after a cold winter. Like walking in the fog for too long, not really seeing anything, and finally finding your way home.
In other words, it's fucking great.

This guy's my cat

2008-05-29T15:22:00.001-07:00

This creature is my cat. >>

His name is - you guessed it - Cat. He's got two moods: one is sweet, kittenish and worshipful, the other is bitey, scratchy and bitchy. So he's a dork, but I still love him.

Just thought you should know.

OXOX

Sara Bareilles - Bottle It Up

2008-05-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Another Stuckage... No, wait! It's all right now.

2008-05-28T13:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'm stuck again. I can't think of anything to write, or anything to do, or anything to cheer myself up with. You know when things get really crappy, you sometimes shed a melancholic tear over your melanchilic life and then things get better? Not my case. When I get sad, I just sit and sulk.

I become all broody and think of how miserable my life is, even if yesterday I was in a good mood and didn't consider my life a kingdom Miserdom at all. So, what I do is sulk and brood, sulk and brood, sulk and brood, until I'm ready to whack myself over the head so the feeling would just stop.

Anyway, enough about my problems. Let's talk about yours.

How come people stopped needing advice? It's like every person on every website suddenly decided that the only help they need is with baking a pie or finding a good video converter.

Weird and unfair. Am I the only one who has problems nowa days?

~ ~ ~

Update: few hrs later

I'm cured of my sulky-broody depression! Katie MacAlister and some Latino beats will do that to you. I feel much better than only a couple of hours before. Trust me people when I say it, depression is poison. It takes away your natural ability to be easily inspired, which can put all sorts of stupid bad thoughts in your head.

But hey, I'm healed!

Anna Nalick - More than melody

2008-05-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

The Family Thing

2008-05-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have a sister, you know. Not that “Oh, we’re so chummy ‘cause we’ve grown up together” kind of sister, but more like “My parents talk once in 4 years (if that) so there’s no need for me to meet the other offspring of my Papa the Biological” kind of sister. In other words, I don’t even know what she looks like.

That’s just… not right. How unfair you’ve got to be to cut all the chords between the siblings, without even taking into consideration the opinion of those before-mentioned siblings? Sometimes people just forget that there’s such thing as a call of blood, and that it has a feel to it.

Maybe it’s just strange for me to think that there is someone who might be just like me, or maybe completely different (whatever), but still a part of me somehow? I mean, I have a baby sister (if one), and don’t even know her! Don’t know if we really look alike, or have the same size, or if she’s happy, or… anything!

How something like that even happens?..

Dear Fairy Godmother!

2008-05-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Fairy Godmother!

Since I’ve never met you, but know by the law of justice and plots of all the cheesy chick flicks that you exist, I have a few things I want to question you about.

Here’s the list:

1. Where the hell are you and have been all my life? Don’t you have a contract or something stating that you were supposed to show up at my, I don’t know, 17^th birthday, and make my life magnificent?

2. Are you a woman or a guy, and if the latter, are you gay and hence would still be able to assist with the whole clothes issue and dig up a single dress for me? ‘Cause all I have now is jeans.

3. Can you, with your magick wand, make a posh car out of something else besides the quickly spoiling food products?

4. Do you hang out with other mystical creatures like yourself, especially with that Tooth Fairy bitch? (Was a quarter really so much to ask? Seriously, what a bitch…)

5. I appreciate big beautiful horses albeit for transporting uses only, but that old wives tale that they should be made of rats that you so graciously let into my apartment (to live, as it turned out later), still doesn’t sit well with me. Next time, try bunnies.

The Powers That Be

2008-05-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

The right thing to listen to while reading through the schizo writing material below is

I tried lots of different religions in my adolescent years, but didn't set my mind on any in particular. The PTB (Powers That Be) is pretty much anything I have a sense to believe in, mock, or feel the need to talk to for some unexplainable, maybe schizophrenic, reason.

Okay, partially I do it because it's fun too, but since I have no real nameable religion anyway, I'm just gonna believe in whatever strikes me as cool. I'm gonna call them PTB.

So, please don't call the people in white robes if I suddenly start claiming I believe in elves or something. Although I did have a strange dream once about those little creeps that seemed way too real...

Broken - Seether and Amy Lee

2008-05-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

Suits my mood, so I'm posting it.

Law of Attraction And The Storytelling Technique

2008-05-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I think we all have heard about the Law of Attraction, so I’m not going to start explaining what it is or how it works. All you have to do to learn more about it is either watch The Secret or read a book or even an article on the subject. The most important thing you need to know is that what you’re thinking and feeling is attracting more of it to you, and if you want to be getting what you want, you should start using this Law of Attraction to your advantage.

There’s a lot of different techniques for using LOA, most of which include an affirmative thought and visualization. If you want to have something you don’t currently possess, you must experience it as if it’s already yours – already real – and keep on enjoying the experience until you actually have it.

Of course, it is easier said than done, especially for those who are used to feeling insecure about certain aspects of their personal growth. So, recently, I've been thinking about making my own reality creating technique, that might help us to dive into the experience we’re trying to create. I called it a Storytelling technique. Instead of merely stating or affirming your intention, it consists of you writing a sort of your own story in which you experience what you desire.

Let me explain.

Everyone has a story, or at least everyone should have one. I think the problems start when you stop following the story line and entrust the “plot” into the hands of fate. But life is a bit too important to leave it all up to chance, don’t you think?

We often get terribly engrossed in other peoples stories, but rarely create one of our own. We read many books and watch a lot of TV shows. Mostly it’s being done for the sake of having a storyline to follow, because if there is a void or dissatisfaction inside, a good story can do the trick and save us from unwanted thoughts and feelings. The downside of this mood booster is that it’s not our story that takes so much attention.

Have you ever noticed that when we feel the lack of some human emotion, we go and try to replace it with a fake one? When we look at our lives and see how little adventures we have, we go and rent the Pirates of the Caribbean, or some other movie of that sort. When we (usually women) feel the lack of romance, we go and buy a romance novel. Those things can both occupy and satisfy, but only for a really short period of time, because eventually every book and every movie comes to an end.

And yet, every person is like a hero of his or her own story. That would be great, if only that person was also an author. The Law of Attraction teaches us to attract things we wish to experience, but we can only do that if a technique we use is simple enough and doesn’t take too much effort, which could bring negative emotions.

Storytelling technique is meant for using the Law of Attraction while writing a story of your own. Usually, when we want to create something, we use Visualization and Affirmative Thought technique. At least, it’s what we’ve been taught. The other way to attract something you desire is by writing your intention or experience you want to create in a form of a story or, if you like, a script.

You might try writing your intents like a diary or a journal of present and future events, divided by months like a book is divided by chapters, or a TV series by episodes. For example, if you wish to achieve something by next month, write an entry (or entries) for that month in your Manifestation Journal.

Unlike making an affirmation, write in a totally non mechanic way, as if you really are experiencing something. Don’t try to fake your feelings or thoughts on the subject, but instead write from your own unique point of view. You can even name each month like you would name a chapter to symbolize some change you want to take place in your life.

If, for instance, you usually practice the affirmative thought and visualization technique, this technique is orientated on writing a sort of a scenario of your future experiences. If your affirmative thought is “I have a new car”, your journal entry would be describing how that new car enters your experience and becomes a part of your story.

This method of attracting things into your life also can help you in understanding what it is that you really want to achieve the most. It helps you in realizing exactly what sort of experience you want to get from manifestation of your intention.

A Recap

So, here’s what you can do to “get into the experience”:

Write a story for the intent of yours you wish to manifest;

Pick your own soundtrack associated with that intent;

Pick a picture just like the one you have in your mind’s eye, and just let that vibe you created stay the way it is, untouched by the worry and thoughts of how or if it will manifest;

Just believe it, even if only for a few minutes, and then let go with a sense of peace in your heart.

Down The Rabbit Hole I Go

2008-05-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I made up a strange visualization this morning before going to bed. “Down the Rabbit Hole” won’t begin to describe it, but it sounds very accurate. I also discovered that it's really helpful.

You use a visualization-n-imagination technique where anything goes. It is a sort of Alice in Wonderland experience, where you let your subconscious talk to you through imagination. That’s real fun, by the way.

For example, today I found out that my heart doesn’t seem to be too happy with me, so it would rather hop away toward what it really wants than stay in a place where it can’t get what it deserves. In a fantasy that was what literally happened, but apparently what I have to work with here is metaphor.

I’ve got to say I learned a lot of things about myself with this visualization/self-search technique. It allowed my subconscious to show me what was hidden from my conscious mind so I would have something to work with in the future.

If you ever want to try this, all you need is let yourself roam through the world of your imagination while searching for guidance or a solution to something that is bothering you. Just don’t forget that you’ll really have to have a guide in that world, albeit imaginary.

Listening to your inner voice is very helpful and important, and it can take visual form of pretty much whoever you like. For example, a Cheshire cat will do.

My Vampiry Side

2008-05-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe nobody knew this, but I am one of those weirdos who go to sleep at down and wake up at almost sunset. Creepy? Yah. Unnatural? Hmm... Well, maybe a little. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, though.

It's just whenever I'm at home, I lose interest in so many things that it's hard for me to keep my daytime entertaining enough to actually spend a lot of energy. And when I don't, I just can't sleep.

"Fly, my pretty! Fly! You will bring to me the Innocents for the blood sacrifice and make me immortal forever. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!"

Pause.

"Oh, and while you're at it, check the local pharmacies and buy - no, wait - steal, yes, steal the tampons! Ste-al the tam-pons. Yeah, okay, go. Now where was I?.. Oh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

What's Our Cure?

2008-05-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

Here’s a pearl that had been discovered by the ever observant good old me.

PEOPLE SHOULD BE KIND TO EACH OTHER.

Even if you don’t know the person, even if that person looks like a beggar, or a tramp, or someone from that series, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re any better. It doesn’t mean that you can't swap shoes with them someday. It only means that NOW you’re luckier. Whatever the situation is, if you can help a hurt person, help them.

You HAVE TO treat others the way you want to be treated. You can’t let someone suffer just because they don’t look decent enough. That is wrong, bad, just not right and, in other words, shitty of you. If you can give help to someone who desperately needs it, give it. Don’t wait for someone else to do it for you, because there might be no one else. If there is a chance to do something good, why, what’s the point of letting it go down the loo?

I’m saying all this because one really good person got seriously hurt tonight for no good reason. Our hospitals (not necessarily yours, but mine) apparently have their own unique politics and views on “healing”. They include leaving a person to bleed for hours and not even lifting a finger or an ass to help in transporting them to where they could get medical attention. Here’s to the “good guys”! They're not like on TV...

Doesn’t anyone nowa days think that to choose a serious profession, for example a doctor, you’ve got to be, I don’t know, “into it”?

If you cannot heal, if you are not someone who has a right mindset, not to mention a heart, to cure anyone, stop trying to fit into someone else’s shoes and do the job other people would do better. There are paths meant not for everyone, and if you don't have the rocks to walk them, you would do our world a favor by staying out of the away.

Must Be The Spring Thing

2008-05-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

"The sunbeams, lost for half a year,
Slant through my pane their morning rays;
For dry Northwesters cold and clear,
The East blows in its thin blue haze.

And first the snowdrop's bells are seen,
Then close against the sheltering wall
The tulip's horn of dusky green,
The peony's dark unfolding hall."

Spring Has Come
By Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Spring has come and fully seized us by the loins. Whoppie-doo!

What is it about this time of the year that makes everyone so horny, me included? Like this song, for example. I don't know what's so special about it, but I just can't rest well whenever I play it loud, or even simply in my head.

Must be something Freudian...

First 22 Minutes of The Secret movie

2008-04-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

I, personally, find this video pretty inspiring, so I advice you to watch the movie one of these days.

.

Oh, come on...

2008-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

Now guys, was it so hard to say "Hey, your logo reads "Big Girl Panites" instead of "Big Girl Panties"? Or did ya think it was like that on purpose?

Seriously, sometimes you act like children...

Green Light - (Freemasons Radio Mix) - Beyonce

2008-04-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

Seeing is Believing: The Power of Visualization

2008-04-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

This article is taken from http://www.law-of-attraction-info.com/visual.html

“In order to use creative visualization to create what you want in life, you must be willing and able to accept the best that life has to offer you--your ‘good’.” Shakti Gawain

Visualization is easy to use. Like all the other tools of creation, we use visualization every day to create our experience of reality. Daydreaming, fantasizing, mental rehearsals, and imagination are all examples of visualization. We have all daydreamed about an upcoming vacation or a visit with a favorite friend. Many of us have fantasized about winning the lottery or getting a better job.

Unfortunately, due to lack of knowledge about the power of our images, we also often use visualization to create experiences we do not want in our lives. We mentally rehearse our greatest fears over and over in our minds.

Have you ever imagined how you would respond if you were robbed or attacked, mentally rehearsed an imagined argument with your co-worker, had a daydream about the death of a loved one, or imagined the worst possible outcome to a situation you were experiencing?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are using the powerful force of mental imagery to create things you do not desire in your life. Although humanity has always used some form of mental imagery, it has only been in the last few years that the power of visualization techniques have been taught widely in our society.

Businesses train their employees to use visualization to improve performance and production. Coaches use visualization with athletes because research has shown that mental rehearsal is an effective way to increase athletic performance. Students use visualization to improve test scores while therapists use imagery to enhance relaxation skills.

Dieters are taught to image a thin and beautiful body. Medical scientists have watched the power of mental imagery increase the immune system as well as lower a person’s blood pressure and heart rate; therefore, medical professionals often teach patients visualization techniques to assist in their healing process.

Visualization techniques can be applied to many areas of your life, and if you will use them to consciously create what you want to experience, these techniques will assist you in soaring above the crisis.

Positive Visualization

The two components of an effective positive visualization technique are a clear image of what you want to create combined with a strong positive emotion. Mental images do not always come in the form of a picture. Some people use words, thoughts, or sensations to create a mental image.

You can determine what components you use to create mental images by observing your daydreams or fantasies. Do you see clear pictures, or do your daydreams consist of blurred images with clear thoughts?

Visualization Process

The first step in doing a positive visualization is determining what you want to create in your life. If you do not know specifically what it is you want to manifest in your life, you can create with “broad brushstrokes.”

Broad brushstrokes define the general events in your life while omitting the specific details. For instance, you may not know the particular person you would like to have as a life partner, so you visualize yourself in a relationship that is harmonious, joyful, and romantic. You imagine yourself and your future partner sharing a fun and fulfilling life. You generate the feelings of love and joy as you create these images in your mind. Once you have created the broad brushstrokes, you patiently wait as the God force fills in the details of the picture you have created.

If you are certain of the specific details you want to manifest, you can clearly imagine these events in your minds eye. There is nothing wrong with creating something specific; however, manifestation often comes more quickly if you leave the details of your creation to your Higher Self.

If you need a new car, you can trust that God will bring you the very best car possible. Visualize yourself driving a beautiful car without seeing a particular model or color; then wait for God to surprise you with something better than you could have imagined.

Visualization is a powerful tool of consciousness. Combine visualization with prayer, faith, or love to assist you in soaring above any crisis that may come your way.

Marty Varnadoe Dow, LCSW

A Spiritual Oasis of Free Inspirational Resources
http://www.ifcl.com

The Script - We cry

2008-04-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Important Request

2008-04-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

Please God, let me move somewhere that is warm and sunny all year long.

P.S. Oh, and let me have this tan >>

Updates vol.1

2008-04-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

So kids, the good news of the day is that I:

Lost 1 kg with my super yogurt diet;

See a shimmering possibility of moving out of the country again;

Could swear that my boobs, for some mysterious reason, got bigger overnight. A miracle or a cosmic prank?

Lonely day by System of the Down (my version)

2008-04-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Aw… Just dug up this video I made in my social reject (sorta) days. I either sound “deep” or just sad there, but that’s up to you to decide, eh?

Just (please) ignore the links at the end of the video.

Soo not awake...

2008-04-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hey.

Guys, I haven't had sleep for more nights than I am capable of enjoying, and I feel like I might pass out and drool all over the keyboard to the point of no return any minute now.

The reason why I'm telling you all this is that I'm a little out of it at the moment. But I promise that I'll try to answer your questions as soon as possible. I just need my brains to work a little better before I'm gonna go there...

I'll try to update soon.

Peace.

"In case I don't come back, pizza might be spoiled." - Muse

2008-04-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

If I were a type believing in things like Tooth Fairies, Elves, and other mystical creatures living somewhere on the astral plane, I’d say the fact that I can’t think of a single thing to write about these days is a strong indication that someone knocked my Muse over the head and stuffed her in the closet.

It’s been too long since I had any good ideas, and I spend most of my creativity and wit on posting in the forums and chatting. The desire to create something always was strong within me, but to spring to life it needs a sort of a nudge.

If I had resources I might have tried making websites or something, but since I already have some experience in managing a site on my own, I’d rather eat a handful of rocks than go through that again. I don’t even know why I want to put my creativity into the Geekdom that is internet anyways.

Normal girls go into dancing, drawing, sculpting, photography, etc. But me? Nooo… I’ve gotta sit home and stare at the shiny eye-torturer that is my computer screen all day.

No wonder the Muse has probably kicked the can by now...

Lyss.

Spring pics

2008-04-15T07:51:00.001-07:00

Finally out! Some of my (well, I did make 'em) Spring pics.

Semi Charmed kind of life... Or not?

2008-04-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

We all are dominated by our needs and desires. We do things only because we want to, and when we do something we don’t want to do, it means we’re under the false impression that there is no other choice.

We all have our habits, and if doing things that other people want us to do is one of them, we’re in a serious trouble. It’s hard to break them though, because all the habits seem to keep us grounded. We do what we’re used to, and that can create the unfortunate illusion of security.

But how can something we do over and over again keep us safe, and most importantly, safe from what? Doing something we always wanted but didn’t dare to do? Risking too much when the chance is too little? But isn’t it what life is about?

It seems like whenever we want to try something risky, we hear that tiny little voice that reminds us of possibility of being kicked in the balls (mind you, I don’t have balls, but still), and then we start second guessing if it’ll actually be worth it. Wouldn’t life just be sweet if we were just a little bit fearless? Short, but sweet.

Like butterflies who live only a day, hot-headed sort of people would never understand safe-siders, who spend thousands of dollars on insurance, yet never dare to go snowboarding for the fear of breaking their well insured arms and legs.

There are things worth risking for, things everyone must try at least once in a lifetime, but there’s something that often holds us back from doing them, and makes us put the risky wishes aside for another day, which seldom ever comes.

No matter how often things in the real world scare the crap out of me, I’d still rather go out there and try to give it my all, instead of waiting till it’s safe to try. Same as no matter how big my fear of heights is, it’s still one of my dreams to go and try myself in piloting one day. Facing the fear is something that we often either try to avoid or get done and over with. Taking control of it, on the other hand, is something worth having it in the first place.

Some of us would rather be safe and sound, though. Maybe this path is more suitable for a particular sort of people. Maybe it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Or maybe all we will be sorry about in the future is, that by guarding ourselves so strongly against all we’ve been afraid of, we’d missed out on all the fun that makes this life a crazy hot experience. Who knows?

We only have one life that we’ll remember. What we make of it is the reflection of our human nature: mind, body, and soul. You either follow your mind or your heart; listen to the call of your body or your soul. Whatever you choose, you’ll know if you made a right decision or not when it’s either too late or just in time. All that’s left to do is hope that we’ll do it in time.

Or instead of hoping we could just stop, take a good look around, and make a right decision now. Of course, we won’t know that it was right until it’s time to feel sorry about it…

Or grateful.

Who knows?

My Gothy Look

2008-04-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that my image makes me look a little soft (which is a misunderstanding I’d love to clear), I seriously considered changing it.

Well, there’s no time like the present, I thought.

Right now I’m trying to decide if a slutty Goth is really “me”, or if I might be on the wrong track.

After putting on “some” dark eyeliner and smudgy beige-and-pink lipstick, I stood in front of a mirror, trying to make out through the haze of my eyelashes (yeah, there was also some mascara, as I recall) if I looked more like a Goth or a sad clown, which, as it turned out, totally depends on the facial expression.

Unfortunately, now that I took a better look at myself (maybe the mascara fog finally cleared up, or something), I realized that I do look more like a sad clown than a slutty Goth after all. Although, it might be a slutty clown, which sort of takes from the Gothiness and adds to the sadness.

Yeeaah… That might not be working exactly in my favor, as I just realized.

I’ll keep you posted.

Lyss.

Most embarrassing moment (it’s ok, I laugh about it now) of the year

2008-04-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

1998

In my early teen years, there was that guy I had a crush on, and in the summer we hung out together a lot. Well, once, on a summer day of that very summer, we were joking and fooling around in my room. It was like, pillow fighting, toys throwing, ridiculous sort of thing. Anyways, suddenly, he decided to grab me and turn me upside down by holding me by my legs. (For some reason, he did it often at the time.)

Anyways, it was rather inconvenient, so to help myself up a little I decided to grab his arm. Well, I mean, I thought it was an arm. I swear to God, by the feel of its width it truly felt like a real honest-to-god arm. Then I looked up and saw what I was actually holding at the moment. It really. Really. Was. Not. An arm.

You want some advice boys? If you don't want your "junior" to be available to others, including the information about its state of peacefulness (or restlessness, for that matter), don't wear thin sports pants around people who might accidentally test the power of the boundaries of these very pants.

Anyways, I think I gave my crush one of the first hottest moments of his newly pubartized (hmm… it's like baptized) life. He'd quickly put me down and ran out of the room though.

I still wonder where he went?..