I thought it was impossible not to tell when someone is in love with you. I've witnessed a few one-sided crushes that I'd caused, but as a rule, I've always been aware of them, and thought that's how it generally works. Now I feel pretty much like an idiot about it, since, apparently, nothing's further from the truth.
Just how on Earth would a girl get a clue that someone has a crush on her when there are no love vibes, no goofy smiles, tortured sighs or heated glances?
I mean, come on! This is actually hard, especially for someone unaware. And when it eventually comes down to a (probably logical) emotional blow up, it's the crush who ends up hurting someone and being the bad guy.
That's why one-sided crushes suck. You can like someone, even love someone, but if it's not in the way that makes you want to jump their bones and spend the rest of your life with them, it's going to end bad.
Hey, guys.
Sup?...
Yeah, ok, this post is pretty much as pointless as the previous one, but I'm actually working on getting some of my creativity back and starting to make 'real' posts again.
I was in the worst mood ever these days, and now I seem to be getting back on the horse. (Easy, Spirit!) So if my meditations and vitamin juice help, I will be posting again soon.
Wish me luck and all that.
L.A.
Okay, I was really prepared for hitting it off and starting to write like I'm on those crazy Energizer bunny batteries, but, so far, the only thing that doesn't need a recharge is my... ahem, back massager.
I really want to try myself in writing, and I even have a couple of articles in a semi-finished state, but I just can't get myself to finish them. Like my bum-bum needs a good kick in the creative direction or something.
I was also busy these few days with the forum building and designing. Of course it is, too, in the state of the undone. I also need to learn Spanish really quick (long story) and simultaneously try to go through those memory improvement courses I've been trying to sort of take.
Yeah... Busy, busy bee me.
Come to think of it, it's not all that bad. All I have to do is: reawaken my inner writer and finish up my articles; get done and over with the forum building; learn Spanish in a week (hey, the CD said I can do it!), and continue posting in my blog regularly.
Peace of cake, huh?
Not that I think anybody with a life cares, but I've just eaten a whole huge bowl of pasta. And by "just" I mean 3.40 in the morning.
God, I'm a freak. Gonna be as big as a house if I continue like that.
I have a feeling that, unlike my other blogs, this one looks exactly like a bubble gum wrapper. At the first sight appealing, but in the end you just want to rip it off to get to the contents.
Damn, I'm so tired of constantly changing my blog's appearance.
Anyway, I'm thinking of simplifying it a little. I'll probably keep the purplish-black-n-white (that was awkward to write) look, but maybe get rid of some unnecessary images.
... And that was probably the tenth post about my blog's design. Just imagine that you care.
I don't like thinking about my childhood years though. I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because I was afraid of lots of things back then, or maybe it's because, when I was little, I was often punished in the now rejected by the modern American society ways. But either way, many things from my early childhood I would rather forget altogether, even if they didn't consist of anything traumatizing. It's just, with the way I think and feel right now, it seems like that person I used to be as a kid was never a part of me.
If I ever did that time travel thing and was standing in front of the me 10-13 years ago, I'm afraid I wouldn't feel the pull to come up to that girl and hug her good for all the years she spent and would spend with no one to confide in or talk to. I think I would just walk away. Not because of the girl not being lovable, but because of knowing too many things that would and would not happen to her.
I know that I wouldn't be able see her clearly because of the bundle of emotions I associate with her, but I can see myself clear enough to understand how very rough around the edges I turned out to be. So, I guess, I wouldn't want to go back to that time or to that girl, even if it was to comfort. If you can't change what happened, why going back into the past?
Maybe I wasn't all that happy as a child after all, but things get better, and they sort of did. Thankfully, people change, and even though the past is not something we can fix, we are still able to move on and evolve as human beings. And if it wasn't for my melancholic state, I think I wouldn't have even gone back these 10-13 years into the past at all and made this post.
Last night I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep. As always, I'd gone to bed way too late so I was feeling like passing out when my head hit the pillow. When I was almost halfway into the dream land, I've heard my mom's dog make choking noises somewhere in the room. Sine she's having heart problems, I'm living in that weird state of suspicious fear that she might kick it anytime.
So, when I heard her make that strangled huff-n-puff noise and then go completely quite, I jumped up in my bed pretty sure her heart had stopped and that it was her last choked breath I heard.
Turned out she just pooped. Er...
A short while ago my mom's dog was diagnosed with some incurable heart disease. She's ten years old now and real tiny, so they can't perform a surgery on her, which is really bad. When I've decided to share my personal woes and griefs with a friend of mine, telling him my dog will probably die soon (hopefully not too soon), he replied with a sweet, joking "Cool. At least it'll get rid of its stupid name." (Her name is Chicken. Big deal.)
Oh my God, social reject much?!
I know you're reading this right now, buddy, and I've gotta tell you that what you said to me was very dork even for you. And you invented dork! What were you, raised by wolves or something? Wait, no... Then you'd actually feel sorry for my poor baby animal.
By the way, what goes around, comes around, so don't expect people to understand you every time you need them to if you don't try to understand them and how they feel. And, omg, that just came out so chastising, I instantly feel cooler about my "old" wise self.
I don't know what to do about my YouTube. I mean, I really feel that I look like a dork there. And the more time passes, the more I feel it. I need some serious directing skills and acting performance improvement, and quick.
And a new, good camera would be great, too. Life just isn't getting any easier... *sigh*
I wonder, if I'd rather sleep than stay awake during the most part of the day, does it mean I'm in a kind of depression?
This entire day actually seemed so crappy and I was in such a bad mood that I've decided to go to bed and just sleep through it. And I did. When I woke up it was past 21:00 and now it is 4:30. In other words, I wasted this day completely and now I feel like crap.
And what the funny thing is, I stumbled on one forum post called End of the world tomorrow? with an article in it, which really got me thinking. I mean, if the world was going to end tomorrow (practically today, actually), it would mean I'd wasted my last day on sleep.
If I'd known better, I would've tried to get laid, at least. And maybe danced naked somewhere. Could've even combined those two...
This is real sucky. It's my second post today, and I'm starting to get the feeling I'm writing in a blog because I have no one to talk to.
Damn. It does ring true.
OMG, YouTubing is so distressful! Good comment, bad comment; high rating, low rating.
Sheesh, roller coaster much?
Wow. I am becoming increasingly (is that a word?) annoyed tonight.
I've decided to try myself in web design, which IS fun, but the fact that I have to know all how-tos about Photoshop website editing kinda drives me into a state of deep frustration.
I don't need designer's tips, but the ones on using slices. Identifying how big every image slice should be by pressing a spa card to the monitor to check if the image in question is "probably an inch or two" bigger than my original image should be is a little too blonde even for me.
So today I went to that (sort of a) Sports Club to try that new weird vacuum stepper (it's like a vacuum shell with a stepper inside). Everybody was saying that this stuff is super-effective for weight loss and leg strength, so I thought "Eh, why not try it?"
Well, I managed to cheerfully work it for all of 6 minutes. Then I practically passed out. No, really. My vision started swimming, people seemed to sound from far away, etc.
Oh, you should've seen it... The panic, the shouts, the "how do you feel?"s. Heartwarming, really. It would've actually been fun if I weren't contemplating what would be less distressing: passing out or throwing up. But no fear! It was actually neither! Well, I DID almost pass out, but managed to hold back.
"Who gets a cookies?! You do!"
Anyway, it turned that either the Vacuum Thing is not for me or that I have some health issues. Probably gonna have to check in with the doc now. Which reminds me of how much I hate doctors... Don't you hate doctors? I mean, it's unreasonable and all, but they just can creep the world out of me. Especially when they look bored by your mere presence.
Yeah okay that was off-topic. Well... whatever.
Okay, I think I'm gonna have to take away about 10 of 'em. Karmic points, I mean. (What a stupid name I picked?)
Today, I managed to offend a person without even realizing that. And here I thought I had a sense of tact. As it turned out... not so much. Not only don't I have it, the cute witticism of mine apparently ran out, too, because this time it kind of failed at saving me with smoothing things down as it usually did.
Tactless and witless... Great. At least if I can't sink any lower, my way can only be up, right?..
I've decided that from now on, if I help someone, I'm gonna count it as a + Karmic Point added to me. Which is fun, too. I've decided that if I have, say, five karmic points, I can make a wish. Like, I could wish for... for a moment of enlightenment! Or a really strong inspiration. Or bigger boobs!
Yes, I'd be damned if by Christmas I don't have a true honest-to-God enlightenment! Or magical breasts.
Amen.
P.S. "I'd be damned" thing was an exaggeration.
I guess I just think that everyone from time to time needs someone who would believe in them, even if only to give them some inspiration. I found that the less inspired you are, the harder it is to find your way out of any problematic situation. Which… erm, sucks.
.
So, now my apartment is totally not as crappy as it was. (Yay!) Now I have a cable, a big chunk of sun peeping through my windows, and a wifi available 24/7 . I've gotta say, things are looking up.
.
I got up at 8 PM. No, I didn't't mistype anything. I went to bed at about 10 AM, and hence got up at 8 PM. Freakshow, huh?
I dragged myself into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, etc., and then it occurred to me that it's time to have "breakfast". Jolly as I was, I thought I can manage just fine on my own with such a simple task.
Now.
My potato's burned and my food sucks. My head hurts, thanks to my new head bump. The food pieces are lying on the floor and the floor itself is dirty.
The lessons of the day as it begun:
1. Don't EVER try to light a stove with a toilet paper piece in an attempt to avoid getting your nails burned (it'll happen anyway) with a flicker. As it turns out, toilet paper burns down faster than a stove can catch the fire.
2. Kitchen is a dangerous place to be in in a half-awake state. Always look around for the objects you could bump your head on while on that territory.
3. Don't ever leave the object of your cooking alone for more than 2 minutes!
4. While cooking, using oil or butter on your food is welcomed. Not using it might result in an awful burnt taste.
5. Cold, just-outta-fridge cans of cat food could come in handy for treating your head bumps. Cats, on the other hand, seeing before mentioned cans could get too excited and, in a friendly attempt to "earn" the goodies, start rubbing on your feet until the point where you get too distracted to notice that you've been dropping food bits from your plate onto the goddamn floor.
6. Picking up the food you've dropped instead of leaving it lie there is also welcomed, for the slipping on it would be an unpleasant experience.
7. The final and the most important lesson of the day is that... *sigh*
I will never be normal.
Okay, I'm stuck again. I can't think of anything to write, or anything to do, or anything to cheer myself up with. You know when things get really crappy, you sometimes shed a melancholic tear over your melanchilic life and then things get better? Not my case. When I get sad, I just sit and sulk.
I become all broody and think of how miserable my life is, even if yesterday I was in a good mood and didn't consider my life a kingdom Miserdom at all. So, what I do is sulk and brood, sulk and brood, sulk and brood, until I'm ready to whack myself over the head so the feeling would just stop.
Anyway, enough about my problems. Let's talk about yours.
How come people stopped needing advice? It's like every person on every website suddenly decided that the only help they need is with baking a pie or finding a good video converter.
Weird and unfair. Am I the only one who has problems nowa days?
Update: few hrs later
I'm cured of my sulky-broody depression! Katie MacAlister and some Latino beats will do that to you. I feel much better than only a couple of hours before. Trust me people when I say it, depression is poison. It takes away your natural ability to be easily inspired, which can put all sorts of stupid bad thoughts in your head.
But hey, I'm healed!