Big Girl Panties

I was thinking about my childhood, trying to understand or at least remember if I was happy back then. I mean, don't get me wrong, sometimes I was jolly enough, but I was a weak child, and shy enough not to flash around with my shining personality. Sometimes I had more things than other children did, sometimes less; sometimes I was pretty careless about life, sometimes I was sure the worst case scenario is the only way to go.

I don't like thinking about my childhood years though. I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because I was afraid of lots of things back then, or maybe it's because, when I was little, I was often punished in the now rejected by the modern American society ways. But either way, many things from my early childhood I would rather forget altogether, even if they didn't consist of anything traumatizing. It's just, with the way I think and feel right now, it seems like that person I used to be as a kid was never a part of me.

If I ever did that time travel thing and was standing in front of the me 10-13 years ago, I'm afraid I wouldn't feel the pull to come up to that girl and hug her good for all the years she spent and would spend with no one to confide in or talk to. I think I would just walk away. Not because of the girl not being lovable, but because of knowing too many things that would and would not happen to her.

I know that I wouldn't be able see her clearly because of the bundle of emotions I associate with her, but I can see myself clear enough to understand how very rough around the edges I turned out to be. So, I guess, I wouldn't want to go back to that time or to that girl, even if it was to comfort. If you can't change what happened, why going back into the past?

Maybe I wasn't all that happy as a child after all, but things get better, and they sort of did. Thankfully, people change, and even though the past is not something we can fix, we are still able to move on and evolve as human beings. And if it wasn't for my melancholic state, I think I wouldn't have even gone back these 10-13 years into the past at all and made this post.