Big Girl Panties

Home again
On the bed, with the cat crawling all over me.

Ok, well, that didn't work out.

I made it to my mom's friend's birthday. Even made myself stay for a while and chat with a few people "my age". Learned who does and who doesn't speak Spanish, who lives here for long and who doesn't, and, of course, that I don't look my age (omG, what is it with people and telling me how old I don't look?!). Then I spent about an hour sitting in my chair quietly, chewing on my food and attempting to look like I enjoy myself. Apparently that didn't fool anyone, considering how I've been asked repeatedly if I'm ready to go home already. Eventually I had (and wanted) to say "yes".

One awkward ride with my mom's other friend (and realter) later and I was already running to my apartment. I actually crossed the distance between the elevator and my front door in record time.

Don't ask me why, I just couldn't take it in there. I felt lonely, stupid, awkward, bored, etc.--anything but comfortable. When I'm forced to go to social events like that one (and it was the least social of all you can imagine), I feel like a goldfish thrown out of the water. I couldn't breathe in there, I didn't feel like myself.

So now I'm home, again. This feels comfortable, of course, but it's not a puppy dog happiness material either. I can feel content like this... But not happy, no. I think I'm making up my own problems here, but that's just how it is. I'll just go on and be whiney for a while, because I want to and, since nobody else is home, because I can.


Note to self:

Practice if not social, then acting skills at least.